Notes from the Concrete Jungle: Cheaters Anonymous

I’m a Southern Boy, I can’t lie about that, even my accent won’t leave me. Yet, as a Southern Boy, there is one thing I hate. In fact, I loathe it. Care to know what it is? Well, even if you don’t, I’ll tell you - County Music. Seriously. There’s an old joke my father told me many times when I was a kid. It goes something like this… “What do you get when you play a Country Music song backwards? The guy gets his house, his dog, his wife, and his kids back.” Now, the joke got me thinking just a bit. What happens when one lives gay life in reverse? See, I’ve noticed something in gay life; our relationships are a bit short and quick. I don’t know if it’s by nature, or if there is a specific reason, but it seems to be true. So I’ve been thinking, if we live our life in reverse, does that mean we get to keep all our dreams? You know, kids, husband, family, good job, and all that? Sadly, one look at our culture tells us we are not living it in reverse, but seem to be stuck in permanent fast forward. Our culture is built upon the age of porn ads and disposable boyfriends. Maybe (and this may just be the cynic in me) we’d be better off with the fully pose able, automated G.I. Joe figures from our youth. At least he won’t leave you, and if he does you can always just introduce him to some Independence Day style action and strap him to a bottle rocket and send him whizzing off into the clear blue skies. Ah, wouldn’t that be a wonderful miracle? Sadly, that is not an option, not even remotely. Well, I guess it MIGHT be an option if you’re the sadomasochistic type. And even then there are about a gazillion laws that protect him from you. So what’s a modern boy to do with an age old epidemic that seems to be plaguing our culture in alarming numbers? After all, infidelity, or “cheating” in layman’s terms, is a plague. So what are we to do? A bit of a back-story here: In October of 2004 I had this boyfriend who I’d been dating on and off over several years. With us it was always the same old story of two people eventually going their separate ways when our roads would part, get back together when they merged, etc. etc. ad nauseum. The last time, and I do mean the last time, we were together things between us seemed to be going very well. At that point in time I was in a decent job and things in my life seemed to be moving forward. One night, as I was sitting around the house waiting on him to come home (yes, we made the effort to live together), an IM box pops up on my computer. It was a mutual friend asking if my boyfriend was around. Of course, my boyfriend hadn’t arrived yet so I asked my friend what was wrong. The box was silent for several moments, then the familiar ding, and then words blazed across the screen. “He’s cheating on you.” Silence. Was it a joke? Maybe. I tried to take into account that my friend was a bit of a practical joker. I tried to brush it off; after all we were the perfect couple in a lot of ways. We didn’t fight. He had his friends. I had mine. We didn’t generally annoy the hell out of each other. I mean, it wasn’t perfect, but it was comfortable. There in lies the problem: Comfortablity breeds blind eyes. Over the course of the next several hours I learned of my boyfriend’s… lack of better judgment… through saved e-mails, conversations, and a few-well placed phone calls. I became a mini-detective gold mining all my friends and usual haunts for information. Yes, I’ll admit it was a bit stalkerish, and a tad overboard, but I wanted to have all my information in place before I confronted him. I mean, I did have the best information in the world. The guy who told me he was cheating, well, that was the guy my boyfriend was cheating on me with. Eventually, days later, when all the information came into place, I confronted my boyfriend. His excuse for doing it - “I don’t know.” “I don’t know?” How do you explain throwing away something good with “I don’t know?” And thus begins the decent into the maelstrom of trust issues, doubt issues, and the oh so lovely self-esteem issues. I’m sure you know the whole stream of questions, “ Am I not good enough? Am I not attractive enough? Has he told me the truth on this, that or the other? Why? Why? Why?” The world suddenly becomes an endless series of questions, and not a damn one of them has an answer to it. And friends, well they are about as useful as a heat wave in July. Wait, I take that back. They were more helpful then I give them credit for, but that was in the long run. But at that particular moment in my life, well, they weren’t exactly the most helpful group of people ever invented. When I asked them why my boyfriend might have done it, I’d get the same generic answers. Answers I’ve could have read for myself on the net (which I did too - by the way). You see, studying infidelity, specifically gay infidelity isn’t anything new. Clinicians have been studying it since the early 70’s. Type in “gay male” and “infidelity” in your search bar and the whole spectrum of reports will appear at your fingertips for you to browse, shop and research on your own. What do all these reports have in common? They don’t give a Southern Boy like me an iota of information into the male psyche I didn’t already have. All of them pontificate the same jaded dated reasons as to why men cheat. Amusingly enough, there are some real amusing reasons that run the gauntlet from boredom right down to the classic “I want to fit in” syndrome. And while these may be valid reasons accepted by doctors and the like, these are NOT valid reasons for your lover or mate. You see, in all honesty, that little desire to cheat destroys something incredible precious and damn near rare in this world. Think of it this way: In every relationship there is a precious gem, trust, and it’s the most rare and purposeful gem in the world. You can hardly find it or see it, but when you do the damn thing shines brilliantly against all odds. Now, when cheating enters into the picture, that little gem gets a bit discolored, or worse, shattered. It’s damn near impossible to rebuild. In the wake of infidelity you’re left holding a gem made of the shattered and bruised egos, a relationship in need of repair, broken trust, and boundaries forever crossed. And in that shattered wake, the little pieces of trust shine and reveal just how broke you really are in new and scary ways. This is why fidelity is a virtue. Fidelity breeds something of its own. Trust. And with trust, all things are possible. So, before signing off this week, I’m going to pose an open question, and in the coming weeks, post some of the comments and respond to them. I’ll ask a few fairly simple questions. 1.) Have you ever been cheated on? 2.) Did you or did you not take them back? 3.) Why? 4.) If you’ve never been cheated on, do you think you would take them back if they did? And why? I’d like to see some answers to this and in the coming weeks, we’ll explore it a little further. For now, enjoy time with your friends, lovers, mates and what have you. As for me, I’m going to go curl up next to Rog and pass out for a little while. - Texas

NEMESIS: Number One In Heaven

Just remember, it's ALWAYS your turn to shine!

Ryan Kehoe: Reality Master

We had a chance to interview Ryan Kehoe from "Fresh Meat," & "The Gauntlet III." He spills about his feelings on hooking up with Tyler Duckworth, gay marriage, and tells us what he's going to be up to in the near future. Enjoy! 1) What was the deciding factor for you when coming out and being who you are today? I decided to come out at 16 actually. I had initially played the "bisexual" card to some of my closest high school friend at the time, but by the time I graduated in 1999, I was a full-fledged homosexual. For me, my sexuality was so innate that I couldn't dream of staying closeted. I've always lived my life as an open book and luckily, I had great people around me that supported me for me. 2) Do you believe that your life as a homosexual man would be different if you hadn't lived in the city that never sleeps? I think life as a gay man is a lot easier in any city, especially in NYC which is the "gay mecca" of the world. People don't single you out for your differences, as New York is such a melting pot. For every straight girl in New York, there is always at least one gay guy on her side(and there's alot of straight girls in NYC). But I do feel if I lived anywhere else, the scene is always smaller, everyone has dated everyone else, and people know way too much about your business. Some people like the comfort of the "small-town" scene, but for me it would get old real quick. 3) How do you feel about GLBT marriage? I'm all for GLBT marriage. I think our country has come far enough concerning human rights, this can only be the next step. As long as we succeed in getting these dangerous right-wingers out of office this next election, we can all work toward this. I do believe it should be up to the state, though. But I, like any other straight person, have dreamed of marriage since I was a little boy. And when I find "the one", my mother will be there walking me down the aisle(I won't be wearing a dress;)) 4) Since doing shows such as "Fresh Meat" and "The Gauntlet III," have you done any philanthropy for the GLBT community? I need to be way more involved in the GLBT community actually. I've always left that to other people; but now, I'm 26 and am beginning to find my own voice and opinion on different gay issues. I plan on being more involved and pro-active in our community in the near future. 5) Did you ever feel like the odd man out, being the gay man on those MTV shows? I wasn't actually "the only" gay man on either shows. On "Fresh Meat," I wasn't just singled out for being the gay guy. I also happened to have dated one of the veterans a few months prior, which didn't end well. On the "Gauntlet," I wasn't singled out right away because I always performed well, but when we started our losing streak, I'm sure all the guys on my team wanted me against them in the Gauntlet cause of my size, not my sexuality. "Fresh Meat" wasn't a great experience, but in the Gauntlet," I felt extremely accepted and had a serious chance to prove myself. 6) So far on "The Gauntlet III" we've seen some hooking up and what not with Tyler Duckworth. Was there a real attraction there or was it more of a heat-of-the-moment type of deal and for fun? I made out with Tyler a couple times in the pool...all in the same night. I was drunk and he was the only other gay guy there. Everyone else was hooking up, and even though he's not my type physically, it was fun to make out and scare the straight boys a little. He began to develop feelings for me, but I did not egg that on and was always up front with him that it was only a kiss. But Tyler is a very hysterical person and we had a blast making fun of people together while we were there. It's always nice to have another gay guy with you in these insane circumstances. 7) Who was your closest fellow cast member from either of the shows? I really got along with everyone, but Paula and Robin were definately the two people I chilled with the most. I've always had a little crush on Robin and as soon as we met, we became attached at the hip. She was going through alot at home, and I became her shoulder to lean on. We would always sing, dance, cuddle, and make-out(when the cameras weren't rolling) to keep ourselves entertained. Paula was the most amazing person I met through this entire experience. She is so cool and funny and is an example of someone who I thought was a trainwreck on her "Real World" season. She's one of the few people who watched themselves on TV and actually made a conscious decision to change and not be "that girl" anymore. I love her so much that I convinced her to move to NYC, and now she's my roommate! 8) With the Presidential Election rapidly approaching in the US, who would you like to see win and why? I'd be happy if Clinton or Obama won; honestly, as long as the Republicans lost. I think Clinton has alot more experience and having Bill behind her would help us a great deal! He was a great president, regardless of his scandals, and would love to see him as the "first man" in the white house again. Our country is ready for a serious change. My father is a disabled Vietnam veteran who also happens to be gay, so I've always grown up with a sensitivity to war and it's effect on families. We need to clean up this mess in Iraq. Plus, so many other countries have female leaders, why not America too? 9) Please give advice to those in the GLBT community struggling with who they truy are: I always say to live your life truly and be proud of who you are. Not everyone has the freedom that we do in America, and take advantage of this now. We may not be able to legally marry in this country yet, but we've come a long way in a short peroid of time. The more people that live there lives openly and comfortably, the less taboo being gay will become. I know it's way harder in small towns and suburbs, but there is always a GLBT center or support group nearby and ready to listen. And take it from me- being gay is FABULOUS! 10) What can we expect from the handsome Ryan Kehoe in the future? I will certainly do more challenges in the future if asked, but reality tv is not my life. It is fun and silly, and has been a great experience altogether. I will take every opportunity that comes my way and hopefully have a voice to create my own show one day. In the meantime, it's back to work at my restaurant in NYC and spending time with friends and family that keep me sane, happy, and grounded. *Please note, all content is copyright material - Interview conducted by Giusepee*

Artist of the week: David Bowie

This man was true to himself, explored his sexuality openly and we love him for it! Ziggy Stardust WILL live on!

Velvet Goldmine - Kiss

there should be NO shame in man on man love!

Notes From The Concrete Jungle: Three Small Words

Let me lay before you three simple, small words that mean a lifetime of commitments. At least, that’s what these words should mean, when strung together, but sadly in this advanced age of disconnection, those same three small words seem to mean less and less. Perhaps we may blame the ease in which these three words are batted about upon how quickly we fall in and out of a particular emotions, better still, we may place the blame squarely on the shoulders of the depictions found in novels or movies, or more over we may go as far as to say we base our understand of the words upon our restless natives, the animals. Whichever answer we choose, it remains that these three small words no longer carry the gravity and power they once held, the same power we once held dearly above anything else.
Being slightly cynical, I could easily make many a case for why these particular words lost their power over time, and honestly, it would be relatively simple. After all, it’s always easier to prove why something failed, then why it worked, but I choose not to believe in the loss of the power, only in our loss of understanding the single simple greatness in the words. I’m sure you’re wondering what the heck I’m talking about, after all, this would appear like rambling to many people. Let me lay them before you then: I. Love. You. See, three short, simple, single syllable words. Yet they are three small words holding a phenomenal power, a power so strong that it binds living souls together. Or, at least, they should.
The sad fact of the matter is this; these words are batted around too easily today. Carelessly we toss them about as if they were the days clothes being discarded to the laundry hamper or bedroom floor. This careless, haphazard use of the words has almost single handedly destroyed the great power that lies inside of them. We throw it into text messages and emails, pepper our songs and movie dialogue with it, and twist the meaning to fit our current needs. And what’s worse, we’ve abbreviated it, shorted an already short and simple sentence to a mix of letters or symbols.
Taking the words apart, piece by piece, I’ve managed to build a small foundation for what the words should mean. I, by definition, is the ego, or oneself. Simple enough, right? I mean, any 1st grader could tell you that. They could also tell you what You means, the second or other ego. Okay, so we’ve got, Ego doing something to another Ego. And what is that something? It’s the word Love. Now love can be defined a number of ways, from the sexual (which is really just lust) to the tender and romantic. It is with this word that I believe lies most of today’s problems. A simple sentence is built upon the other Ego’s understanding of the central and key word, and that one word has many direct and indirect meanings.
In the past, and I’m talking centuries ago, Love described the emotion that lifted us above the animals. We needed a word that was strong then care. Let’s face it, “I care for you” just doesn’t sound that romantic. So we created the word love, it sounds deeper, stronger, and quite frankly it sounds hella romantic. Over time though, as is the nature of humanity, we adapted the word to mean different things. A quick glance at the dictionary will confirm this. One definition says the word means intercourse, as in making love to someone, yet another describes it as the warmth one feels for another person. In this day and age we’ve even resorted to it being a bit of a lie to get us what we want. I mean, I’ve had people tell me on the first date they loved me (because I lust you just doesn’t quite do it, you know?). So, how is one to know what someone means when love itself means so many things?
The secret, I do believe, lies in communication. Through communication one can actually discover which meaning the person is trying to use. It could be as simple as how you stress it, when you use it, or how you write it. For example, between my friends and me, it’s a matter of how it is written at times. Let’s say you’re sending a text message (which is the way many people connect in this disconnected age) and send it “I luv u” or “I <3 U”. To me it’s the haphazard standard of love, or to put it bluntly, “I care for you, but not that much.” On the other hand, if you take the time to send the full phrase, it means you have a deep commitment to me as a person, as an individual, and as someone you deeply care for.
To others it’s strictly a matter of when you say. I mean, really, remember when you were a kid and “I love you, Mom” could get you out of almost any trouble? We hold onto that as adult and try to use it on the same level. My boyfriend and I rarely say it to each other (because honestly actions do speak louder than words), but when we do, it is deep and heartfelt. It’s an almost unspoken pact between us we won’t say it when we’re drunk, for we feel this may ruin the sacredness of the vow.
I honestly believe those three little words need to gain their power and authority back. No longer should we use them as haphazard send offs, or barely felt commitments. Instead, we should invest a bit of thought into how and when we say them, and quite a bit of thought into why we are saying them. And maybe, just maybe, if we all ban together and seek out what those three little words really mean, then maybe we will become connected again. After all, when you say “I love you,” you’re really saying, “You will always be with me.” One small little promise that may just change the world.
- Texas

The Cardigans - Lovefool US Version